


When You Are Not Looking

by Lafaiette



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-22
Updated: 2015-06-22
Packaged: 2018-04-05 15:52:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4185786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lafaiette/pseuds/Lafaiette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Inquisitor has stolen his heart and become it, his heart outside his body, giving him life and warmth when he thought he had none left in him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When You Are Not Looking

**\- One -**

This world is different, heavy, and twisted, but some things remained the same and others became better, refreshingly new. They offered him comfort during his journeys, a reminder that, despite the horrible consequences of his mistakes, not everything is bad, not everything tastes bad and bitter.

It’s a weaknesses of his, one of the many, but he is too tired and old now to refrain himself and renounce something so good and appeasing, just like he was too spirited and young in the past to do the same. He is a selfish man, after all, and selfish men give in easily to such temptations.

He would rather not be judged, though; people have been doing that enough, during the years, and he would prefer to be left in peace, at least when he is enjoying something that doesn’t hurt anyone but him.

So he takes out one small, colored cake when nobody is looking - and it’s easy to find such a moment since he rarely attracts people’s attention, unless he wants to - and quickly pushes it into his mouth, hurrying to crumple the paper that covered it and tuck it into his pocket. He munches slowly, savoring the taste, letting it melt on his tongue, and his eyes close, his soul briefly contented. 

  
**  
\- Two -**

The Inquisitor has stolen his heart and become it, his heart outside his body, giving him life and warmth when he thought he had none left in him.

He watches her as she leads them onward, towards the next person or group to help and save, towards the next ruins to explore, towards the next truth to unveil and every time he hopes it’s not _his_ truth, because he is a selfish man and selfish men don’t want to lose such a beautiful, perfect - _undeserved_ \- joy.

He watches her when she doesn’t watch him, when the other companions are busy or distracted; he watches her when she talks with other people, watches the different emotions and reactions appear on her face, watches her when they fight their enemies to ensure she is safe.

He wonders if she watches him too when he is not looking. He is a weak man, so one day he turns to her and sees that she was indeed watching him. He is able to see love and adoration on her face for a brief second before she shyly averts her eyes. He gives in again, going to her to kiss her forehead, and he doesn’t care if the others can see them.

**  
  
\- Three -**

He talks under his breath when he is studying, reading, or pondering on something - the Fade, the dreams he saw during the night, ( _the truth_ ), the next important mission, ( _the orb_ ), the Rifts still open in Thedas ( _how to tell her, would she understand?_ ).

It’s a habit born from the many years he spent alone, a necessity his own mind created to avoid going mad. He mutters, lips barely moving, as he thinks. He stops when other people enter the rotunda or when he feels he is being watched from above. He makes sure not to raise his voice too much, knowing the people in the room love to eavesdrop, but even if they heard what he says, they wouldn’t understand a word. He speaks in ancient Elvhen, the old language spoken in Arlathan which the Dalish only remember scraps of and the city elves have almost completely forgotten. The Wolf guards well his secret, even when his mind and lonely spirit threaten to blurt it out. 

But he is weak - _oh so weak_ \- and he speaks freely, almost in a normal tone, when he is in Lavellan’s rooms, sitting at her desk, because he feels so comfortable around her. In those occasions, he tries to stop, to clench his jaw shut and talk to himself only in his head. But she asks questions, compliments his beautiful, perfect accent, and there is wonder and genuine excitement in her eyes when she asks to learn the words she couldn’t recognize.

And he loves her so much that he accepts and gives her the key to his secrets, torn between hope and dread, feeling both foolish and wise, wondering what would happen if she heard him and finally knew. It’s an enormous risk and he loved risks when he was younger, he loved the thrill they gave him, the reward at the end.

But the Wolf is old, scared, he doesn’t like risks anymore ( _too many failures_ ) and he tricks himself. His mouth doesn’t move anymore when he reads now, he doesn’t mutter his thoughts, doesn’t let his mind slip out of his lips. He gave Lavellan more knowledge, the key to the truth hidden inside him, but he has changed the lock and he will talk only when he will feel less scared, ready, willing to risk everything again in order to stay with her.  
 **  
  
  
\- Four -**

He leaves her in the glade, his back hunched, his steps heavy and short, his heart cold and thundering painfully in his chest. He leaves Skyhold, his grip on the staff too strong, his backpack filled with useless things.

He remembered his duty and now he is alone ( _a fate worse than death_ ); tears sting his eyes, blur his sight, and they make him feel so young and little, like a child. He felt young when he was with Lavellan too; he also felt strong and powerful, saved by her love and warmed by her touch, ready to lose himself into her and shower her with his own love, praise, and adoration for all eternity. He has hidden those feelings inside, another truth he didn’t want to share, because he was scared and that truth was as big and important as the other one, real and vivid and burning like a sun inside him.

But he has whispered it to her when she slept; he has told her what he desires, what he, in his selfishness, so longs to have. He has caressed her hair and kissed her ear, while murmuring what a wonderful and beautiful queen she would be, how he wants to make her his wife and roam the waking world and the Fade together forever.

He still wants it - _but the People!_ -, he will always want it, and he cannot stop himself from imagining what their life - _in another world_ \- would be like. He is alone again, now, nobody can see him, so he indulges in those fantasies - _you are so beautiful_ \- and cries silently as he softly pronounces words of love for her - _ar lath, ma vhenan_ -, wishing to see her again.

  
**  
\- Five -**  
  
She is there, standing in front of him, panting heavily because she ran all the way to him. He watches her openly, devouring her with his eyes, taking in every detail. It’s like a balm for his soul and he ignores the looks of the others, the anger, confusion, and surprise on their faces.

He focuses only on Lavellan and he slowly approaches, raising a shaky hand and bringing it near her face. She doesn’t pull away and waits, glossy eyes lost into his; he cups her cheek like he did in the clearing and she leans into his touch.

The Wolf whines, ears flat, tail between his legs; he asks for forgiveness and wants to risk again, wants to tell all the things stirring inside him, the ugly truth of his past and mistakes, and the golden truth of what he feels, the one about his eternal love for her that he was never able to express fully.

He slowly leans down, still shaking; the others are watching, they can see them, but he doesn’t care and presses lightly his lips on Lavellan’s forehead, not daring to do more even though he craves her mouth desperately. 

She shouldn’t have followed him, he says in panic - _this fate is mine alone_ -; he cannot bear the thought of seeing her hurt or, worse, dead - _but losing you would…_ \- and he begs her to go, to let this go before it’s too late.

But she refuses: she wants to know, she wants to understand, she wants to help, and this time he cannot say no.

He tells her the truth - the first one, the worst one, the one that consumes him like acid - and he cannot look her in the eyes as he does so. She doesn’t reply and he doesn’t see the look on her face.

He continues, words pouring out like water. He tells her how much he loves her, how much she means to him. He will understand if she doesn’t want to believe him - _Trickster God_ -, but he swears again that he always loved her - _what we had was real_ -, that he will never stop loving her - _no matter what comes next_ -, that he never wanted to hurt her. 

He feels light, empty with every passing second until only love remains and he wonders what will fill him again in the next moments. Panic? Despair? Relief? Joy?

Then he hears her sob and her hands grasp his clothes, keeping him there, pressed against her.

“ _Vhenan_.” she calls, sweet and tender, and the Wolf howls with delight at the word. Solas wants to scream at the whole world to turn and look at them, to look at the perfect creature in his arms, to be the witness of their love, and he finally - _finally_ \- descends on her and kisses her, complete, whole again. 

**Author's Note:**

> These are in chronological order, from pre-relationship to full, happy closure, one of the possible outcomes that I hope will be in the Wolf Hunt DLC. Sort of related to [this](http://lafaiette.tumblr.com/post/121373424890/love-interests-what-they-do-when-they-think).


End file.
